Friday, March 4, 2016

Coming To Terms


I love this blog not only as a place to share things that inspire me and that I love but also as an outlet.  I find writing very therapeutic.  It helps me clear my head and center myself. 
   This may bore many of you but it is something I just feel the need to write about.  I am doing this more for myself than anything else.  Just like with meditation I find journaling and writing can be so freeing for your mind.  

The other day a women working at a store we were in said " Oh your kids are so cute,  you have a boy and a girl.  You are so lucky to have one of each. "  She then proceeded to tell me how she always wanted to have kids but it just hadn't happened for her.  My heart felt so sad for her and for the fact that whatever her life circumstances were she didn't get to have kids.    My heart breaks for people like that.  It made me think long and hard about my 2 sweet children and how lucky I am indeed,  but it didn't stop me from thinking and wishing I had another.  

Most days I try and convince myself that 2 kids is all I need.  Things are starting to get a little easier in our house now that Sterling and Frances are older.  They will actually sit and play together and that gives me time to get things done.  It is nice, I like the routine we getting in.   I like the fact that I am not nursing and not sleep deprived.   I also like the fact that I am slowly getting my body back into really good shape.   I feel good about our life and very blessed.

However as much as I try to convince myself 2 is enough, I still think about a 3rd child every single day.   I touched on this a year ago but most days I still feel like someone is missing and I want another child.   I can't even put into words why I feel this way.  Most days I am exhausted.  I find juggling two kids, my husband, and my blog overwhelming.  I wonder why the heck I have this desire for another child.  I think it is because my kids are growing up faster than I wish they would.  I want time to slow down, I want a little baby around the house again. I want to freeze time and stay in this time period while my kids are young and innocent.   I know these times are hard but I also know with certainty I will look back on these years as the best ones in my life. 

The problem is my husband does not want another.  Matt is very adamant he wants no more children.  I thought once Frances got a little older I could persuade him but alas he has become even stronger in his convictions that he wants no more children.   Matt can't even comprehend why I would want another.   I want to respect his feelings and views but man it makes me sad.  So what do you do?  How do I come to terms with this?

Every time I hear about another acquaintance  having their third child a part of me is jealous.  Thinking why can't I have a third.  Why is my husband the one that is not even open to the idea of another child??  
I remember when I was having a hard time getting pregnant all I saw were babies and heard announcements about friends getting pregnant.  I feel the same way now whenever I am out all I notice are moms with 3 kids.

I know plenty of people who have "accidentally" gotten pregnant.  But I just can't do that.  Our marriage is in a good place after some tough times and I know that third child might would push it to the dark side.  Is that third baby worth it??   Not only would it be a strain on our marriage but would it push me to dark the side?   Could I handle a third while giving myself the time I need for me?  I am just starting to feel like myself again after Frances.  

I try to be thankful that I have two healthy kids.  I know I am beyond lucky.  I know there are many of you out there struggling to get pregnant and going through IVF and many of you who have children that were born with some of a birth defect or illness.  My heart is with all of you who are struggling in some way.   

Sometimes I think maybe this was God's plan all along for me just to have 2 kids.  Maybe he knew 3 would be too much.   I know he has a plan for all of us and I whole heartedly trust that plan.   For all I know I could actively try to get pregnant again and never would.    I think in life what screws us up the most is the picture of what we think our life should be like.  I think we envision and dream things and then when that is not the reality it makes us sad.  Yes I had envisioned myself with 3 kids but maybe that is not my reality maybe my reality and life plan is just 2 kids. I want to embrace this life I have.

As the nice woman stated I am so lucky to have one of each.   I love my sweet Sterling and Frances so much and have enjoyed getting to experience the joys of both boy and girl things.  Still the yearning and the desire for a 3rd is not fading.  I hope with time it will and I can come to peace with this and the fact that I probably won't have any more kids.   

I don't want this to be a sad post because it is not.  It is merely thoughts that I am having.  I count my blessings everyday and I love having this space to share my thoughts, feelings and fears with you guys.   I am happy with my life and if I don't have another child things will be just fine.  

and because it is Friday and I don't want to leave you with too heavy of a post.  
Happy Friday! 
xoxo






41 comments:

Emily Black said...

Humans (well all animals) have the innate desire to reproduce. It's how species ensure survival. It's natural. What separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom is that we can think about how many offspring is practical for us. It doesn't mean that desire goes away though. Sorry to get scientific on you, just want you to know it's completely normal!

Jill said...

Natalie I swear I was in your shoes a few years ago. Matthew was 9, Libby was 6 and I wanted a third. Dan was very adamant that he was done, we had one of each, I however wanted a third. I basically had many conversations with him about why I wanted a third. I did not want to convince him to have a third because that is not fair but someone said something to me that really stuck.. you will never regret having a third but you might regret not

now I have my little scarlett and no regrets

Renee said...

A friend of mine wanted a third - and ended up with twins! They are now in survival mode for the foreseeable future. And their middle child is just lost in the shuffle. No thanks!! lol

Laura Lane said...

Great post! Yes it's true this is one of those decisions you and Matt need to be on the same page.

But....I will say this. 2 kids is just like you said...they grow up way to fast and you glide through all the phases so quickly. Having a 3rd brings really great chaos into your life. It's all good busy kind of stuff. Having 3 siblings in the mix really makes more opportunities for teachable moments with your kids...much easier to give into 2 kids or spoil the boy and spoil the girl.

My husband and I have 5 which seems extreme. But I didn't have much help. I've ALWAYS worked part time and my husband and I often joke "What do people do all day with just 2 kids!" You and Matt will have plenty of time later in life to enjoy each other.

I don't blame you one bit for your feelings for a 3rd. Good for you for respecting your husband. Personally, moms should make that decisions! Ha! You do so much of the work so if you think you can handle it, Matt can too!

KristenD said...

I've been in the same place as you are, and it was when my kids were around your kids' ages. Now our son is 14 and our daughter is 11. I felt that I needed to respect my husband's wishes and stop at 2 children. After all, he's been the one to bear the financial burden most of the time since our children were born. Mainly I just want to give you some reassurance since I'm a decade ahead of you...it is just as amazing having a teenager and a preteen as it was having babies. In so many ways, it's even better. I know my desire to have another child back then was primarily because, like you, I thought the baby days were going to be the best, but that's because I couldn't see the future and how rewarding and fun older kids are! For me, a happy marriage far outweighed the issue of another baby. Our marriage is still awesome, 17 years later. Plus I think whenever that last baby is born, it's natural to have a sense of grieving over it being the last one...whether it's baby number 2, 3 or 7! I feel like I've rambled a little, but just know that your feelings are normal but the best days are not almost over, they are yet to come! XOXO

Kristine Mactaggart Wright said...

Cup of jo has some great posts on this!
http://cupofjo.com/2015/09/how-many-children-to-have/

Steel Magnolia said...

I could have written this post, except I'm having to convince my husband to have number two! I know how crazy that sounds. Thank you for sharing so openly. People always, ALWAYS ask us when is number two? And I look at him like yeah - when? But I also am not comfortable with "pulling the goalie" behind his back, that just seems like a huge betrayal of trust. For him it's the financial concerns that weigh on him the most. It is SO hard and I literally have to put effort each day into focusing on our amazing son and the life we have already. I know we will have a second, I just wanted them closer in age. He wants them very far apart which I think is a huge mistake but....there are two people in a relationship! I could go on and on, but I'm so relieved I'm not the only wife who may not see eye to eye with their husbands on how many kids and when. (Then the argument of - didn't you talk about it before you got married? Well yes, we always said we wanted kids, probably two, and that was that.)

Marychris said...

I want a 3rd so badly. I just underwent a medical procedure that now prevents me from having anymore, so the desire is that much more intense. I am starting the adoption conversation now. I feel like God has put that gently on my heart. I would love to "rescue" a new baby and shower it with the love it might not of had. The struggle is real sister!

Elizabeth Brantley said...

First time commenter, and all I will say is that if you think about it everyday and feel like someone is missing there is probably a reason that is on your heart so often. Praying that you and Matt can get on the same page and maybe he will see why you feel the way you do! Love reading your blog!

Elizabeth Brantley said...

First time commenter, love you blog! I believe if you are thinking about a third child everyday, there is a reason! Praying you and Matt can get on the same page!

Amy said...

We had twins the second time..so we ended up with three unexpectedly. But from the day my twins were born, for at least a couple of years, I absolutely pined for more children...serious obsessive thoughts all the time, even though I was literally looking at two infants and knew we wouldn't have more (I had very difficult pregnancies, I would not have been able to handle the stress of a potential geriatric pregnancy, and my husband didn't want any more either). I know part of it was the finality...trying to have children and then actually having them consumed years of my twenties and thirties, and I love the idea of four or five children. I really struggled with the "never again" of that stage of my life no matter how hard it was. I think you put it well...when the picture in your head is different from your reality at any given time, it is just plain hard to work through. You have a good perspective, and I appreciate how you try to stay positive. Thinking about you!

Emily Amy said...

I really applaud you for speaking so candidly on a serious topic. As much as I love the shopping, cooking posts, this one really touched me.

Kayla South said...

This is me, right now. We are having the same conversations at our house. We have two boys, 6 and 4, almost 7 and 5 and I can't get another baby out of my head. For the longest time my husband was adamant about not having more. We were done, end of discussion. I kept talking about it. When people asked us, I said, "Well, Justin says we are done but I still think about it and want one." At first we were both on the fence but when he said no, I couldn't stop thinking about what our family could be and giving both the boys the opportunity to be a real "brother" to a baby, Kaden was only 20 months when Logan was born so they basically grew up together. Finally, Justin said we could have another. I think he was really calling my bluff because up until now, I had him to blame for not having a third & now, it was back in my court and I went back and forth with and in the end, I think we will regret not trying to have a third. Keep talking about it, keep expressing your desire to have another child with your husband and I believe that God will show you both the path.

Bridget said...

I love reading your 'deep thoughts' posts! The way you feel about having a third is how I feel about not having children--and I have struggled with it. "Why don't I want children? Why don't I feel like other women and just be ooh-ing and ahh-ing over babies? How come I don't feel like that? Is something wrong with me?" So I've tossed it up to maturity and maybe I'll be like my Mom and at 35 I'll decide to have kids. Or maybe I won't. I know acknowledging feelings is very important, and then releasing them to the "Powers that will be"

It all works out in the end!

Andrea C said...

I resonate with this so much, thanks for being so honest. I was kind of the opposite at your stage. I always wanted two kids, a boy then a girl. And thankfully that's what happened. I always wanted to be done with kids when I was 35, at that age I had a 6 year old and a 2 year old. I briefly thought about a 3rd but really not that much, was just ready to move on from the exhausting baby/toddler stage. DH only wanted 2 but I know I could talked him into one more without much trouble. At that time DH got the V, he was just waiting for my agreement.

But when DD was in K or 1st grade I started having SERIOUS regrets about not having more kids. It surprised me SO much, don't know if it's a mid life crisis or what, lol. Now 3 years later I still think about it ALL the time, honestly I've even thought of getting counseling for it. I get so jealous when I see families of 3 or more, especially if there's two girls. My heart aches that DD will never have that sister bond and another girl to count on for life like I have. I know I very likely had another boy too which would have been totally fine, but in my daydreams it's always a girl. ;)

Looking back I really really wish I would have thought it about it more and waited to do a permanent solution. I got pregnant very quickly with both so waiting longer might have produced a 'surprise' at the very least. ;) When making my decision I just couldn't past the really hard exhausting first 5 years. But now that mine are much older it just seemed to go by so fast and was not that big of a deal in the long run. I know I am very lucky to have two healthy kids and I do appreciate it daily, but I know I will always regret it too. I hope you can come to peace with whatever you and Matt decide.

Aislin said...

I felt the exact same way 4 years ago. We had two healthy, beautiful boys but I just couldn't shake the feeling that our family felt incomplete. I talked to my husband about it and after some thought he told me he just couldn't do it. I was crushed since I know he really put a lot of consideration into his decision and I knew I wouldn't be able to change his mind. I had tried every birth control under the sun after my son was born and had issues with each one. I told him it was up to him to not have any more children since I couldn't handle the issues with BC. Low and behold, he did nothing and 11 months later our one and only daughter was born! He was shocked (although I am not sure why not, I had explained to him that the ball was in his court and he did nothing to stop it). As soon as she was born, that was it. I felt complete and done. Three is a bit of chaos and there are times I even think about a 4th(!), but I would have to be committed to an insane asylum to do it. That and my husband literally ran and got a vasectomy after we had our 3rd! It is a tough position to be in, I totally understand. I am sorry you are going through this and hope you both can find some common ground. Needless to say, my husband sure doesn't regret our daughter and now even tries to take the credit for deciding to have another!

annie said...

I will start by saying that i had 4 kids in 4 years. My first two were planned close together and my last pregnancy was a surprise followed by an even bigger surprise to find out i was having identical twins. My life was a bit of a fog but i wouldn't say i was just trying to survive. I was living my life and was still able to enjoy my children. No one has fallen through the cracks or receives more of my love or attention than another, and i am happy to report that my husband and I are more in love than ever before and part of that has to do with the growth of our family and the opportunity to raise so many kids, planned or unplanned. I feel it is important that you stay honest with your spouse and also your feelings, but as mentioned before you NEVER regret having another child, rather not having more. Financially children are no more a burden than what we make of it. I think as parents we feel our child will be deprived if not given all the material wants the world has tricked us into thinking are needs. As long as their is food on the table clothes on your kids a roof over their heads they will make it in the world...what makes a child thrive above and beyond is the love they feel from their parents and family. I can honestly say i feel great about the decision to not have anymore children at this point because my family feels so complete, even though it didn't happen according to my original plan and timeline. And just to reassure Renee and her comment about a crazy foreseeable future... My twins were the best surprise i could have been given you should consider yourself lucky to be blessed with the opportunity to raise multiples! I wish you the best of luck in your pursuit of complete happiness.

Joanna said...

I totally agree. I don't want to say nag your husband but if that's how you feel don't give up. Maybe there are reasons he has that make him feel this way and a compromise can be made somehow? I don't know your situation. Good for you for not "having an accident" though no judgement there too. Mine eventually agreed and he adjusted. I hope whatever is best for you and your family happens.

Joanna said...

Also I want to add that now that my third is turning two I feel like I am missing a baby though a 4th will NOT happen. My point is I think when you love babies you always will feel that way a little. It is hard.

Rachael said...

It's so hard to move past, especially when you feel like someone is missing. I'm sure whatever is supposed to happen, will. Either Matt will have his heart changed or life will move forward and you will be content with two. Luckily my husband and I are on the same page and feel like we are supposed to have a sixth! Eek! That will be the last one for sure. Ever since we had our fifth I have felt like someone is missing and I'm excited to complete our family. Good luck!

Laura said...

I've always wanted four. I'm not sure why but that was just my number. I'm lucky my husband says since I do most of the work, it's up to me! We are expecting our fourth now and I have to say I feel very comfortable with this being our last. I wondered if I would just always feel the ache for more, but as this pregnancy progresses I feel more and more at peace and sure that our family will be complete. I thought for a while maybe I should just be happy with three, but finally decided you never regret having a child, but I might look back and really wish for this last baby. Just my thoughts, but that being said, you are absolutely right not to do it if you're not both on the same page! Just maybe don't give up yet.

Katie S. said...

This post really speaks to my heart. My husband and I debated back and forth about having a third, and just decided to go for it. Our third is such a joy and can't imagine life without him and would even have another, if it were up to me. I think for me, I will always have the desire to have just one more baby because I love the baby stage so much. But, at the end of the day I think it wouldn't be practical for us to have one more and I worry I would be spreading myself too thin. Not to mention that my husband is adamantly against having another. Now that my littlest is almost two, I'm really struggling with a sense of mourning about not having a baby anymore.

B said...

I have two that are just shy of five years apart. The "plan" was 3 maybe 4 years apart, but after a very traumatic birth with my first it took me a while before I was mentally ready to do it again (and honestly by that point I was good with one child - which I would have never thought I would be). They are great together & I know will always be friends despite their age difference. And now that we have the second, part of me is ready for another.

Becca said...

I'm on the same page as you. My little one is still a baby but I just don't feel complete. Sometimes I worry even after a third that feeling wouldn't go away....but the friends I know with three say they just "know" they are done. It's a hard thing to deal with and I agree that sometimes I feel overwhelmed with just my two so I don't understand that empty feeling of wanting another. Hope you figure out what is best for your whole family and feel at peace with whatever that decision is!

Jessie McGregor said...

Much like the ladies who already commented. My husband and I are in a similar position, except he hasn't explicitly said no (more leaning that way). We had always planned on three and the two we have are such a joy to both of us. They haven't been easy....my daughter is almost 4 and didn't sleep through the night very well until 2 and still doesn't many nights....my son who is 1.5 is a good sleeper, but has struggled with ear infections and has quite the temper now that he is older and wants things, but cannot communicate. Anyways, all these things have convinced my husband that we should just leave well enough alone and not put ourselves through a third baby. There are times when I'm getting two kids and myself ready for work/daycare in the mornings (my husband goes to work much earlier than me) and I think "I am crazy to want to add more chaos to my life". But one, two or seven kids....there will be chaos. You will lose your patience. I have to remind myself that just because some moments aren't easy doesn't mean I/we can't handle 3 kids. I also try to convince my husband of this, but....I guess it's TBD. Just wanted to give you a shout out that you are (clearly) NOT alone and THANK YOU for posting on this personal topic.

Heather said...

I complete understand your feelings. This was me almost 5 years ago. My husband did not want to have a third and my heart was yearning for a third child. I started having alot of problems and had to schedule a hysterectomy l-it was a few months away and I got off birth control before the surgery. And then I got pregnant right before the surgery. I know that was God's way of making it happen and I was praying for him to lead us in the best direction for our family. Start praying for God to help you and he will either change Matt's heart or yours and it will work out in His plan and after 3 kids I didn't feel that yearning anymore!:)

Joanna said...

My comment doesn't make sense, I meant I agree to everything Jill said.

rita cross said...

I have never commented before but I thought I would share my thoughts. My children are all grown now, but I was in the same boat as you. We had two adorable girls any my husband felt our family was complete. I however, always planned on having at least three. Though he wasn't adamant about stopping at two I had to convince him that I would be heartbroken if I didn't have a third child. And my argument was that when that baby arrived we would never ever regret it, but I would live with regret if I didn't have another. We ended up having a third, a boy!, and he truly completed our family. So many times in his childhood, I would remind my husband -- can you imagine if we stopped at two. I pray you come to a decision that works for you.

steph said...

I sympathize with your predicament and your feelings. Although my opinions and comments will not be liked or popular I'm going to express them anyway. I'm really surprised how many of the women above commented about "convincing" their husbands to have another child. It's so difficult to make a decision to not have any more children. I have 2 biological sons who are 16 and 19. This is my second marriage and my husband has 4 adult children. We got married 10 years ago when I was 38. I really struggled for the first few years of our marriage because I would of liked us to have a biological child together. It took awhile but I came to accept the fact that he didn't want any more children and I made peace with that decision. Even though we didn't agree I respect the fact that he was always honest and upfront with me. From the time we started dating seriously, he expressed it.

I know what you mean about certain women who got pregnant "accidentally". I could never do that either! Well even if I wanted to.... my husband had a vasectomy after his 4 th child. Lol.
Over the years he has shared with me why he decided he wanted to stop at 4. I feel like it helped me understand his decision and ultimately be ok with it. He just always felt pressure and stress providing for 4 kids as he was the only one earning an income. There was very little time to spend together and that became more difficult with each additional child. Just when they became more independent and somewhat self sufficient, along came another. I'm sharing his feelings because I think its helpful to see this perspective from a male point.
The commenter above KristinD is correct. There are so many wonderful times to come!

Alexandra said...

Thanks for being so real..I was in your spot years ago. We were financially, physically exhausted. No family near us and my husband commutes to NYC on a train and doesn't get home till 8:00 every night. We went ahead with the third but my husband was for it. I have no idea how I survived those years all by myself with little support but I did. I would pray!

Ginger said...

Natalie, I know how you are feeling. I have a boy and a girl three and a half years apart. My husband and I wanted a third one, but both of my pregnancies were risky, and my doctor advised us not to try for number 3. My children are 31 and 27. I still wonder what it would have been to have a third child. Praying that Matt can decide to agree for a third. xoxo

lvmoon said...

You are right that we always compare ourselves to others, no matter what--must be human nature. I totally agree that sneaking a kid in past your husband is crazy and would be a terrible thing to do for your marriage. Your husband is the one that will be with you for the rest of your life and he should be your priority. I like everyone's advice who has said to pray. God has a plan for you, like you said. One day you will acknowledge and appreciate it. My first pregnancy at 25 was a huge shock, a boy, and the day he turned 13 months old I gave birth to another surprise pregnancy, my daughter. I just gave birth to our third surprise pregnancy 5 months ago. So my kids are 4.5, 3.5, and 5 months. Plus the puppy (like your dog!) Chaos, stress, exhaustion, but lots of love and happy moments too. Even now I wonder will I have a fourth? I want to adopt a child so badly and I pray that I will be able to do it and that it will be the right choice for our family. I have to get my husband 100% on board. The family dynamic that anybody has is personal and we must create our own path. Your love for your children and Matt is what matters most. You will find the right answer for you and I really admire your openness to share this. As you can see, you are not at all alone.

Chasity Munn said...

My advice would be to give it some time. I was the one in our relationship who only wanted one after we had Georgia, my husband was dying for another. But when I realized she is now FOUR and will be going to school soon, and there wouldn't be another baby or toddler in the house, my mind changed overnight. Frances Moon is still very little, and to be honest you guys are still in the kind of tough stage. Give it a little time, he might come around once he realizes you guys don't have a baby anymore. Good luck to you!!

Lilly PG said...

Thank you for sharing! We just had our first, and like you, I'm hoping for three. We'll see how many we end up with though. I'll keep y'all in our prayers that you find the answer that fits y'all best. Your two kiddos are so beautiful and obviously well-loved. Seems to me like a third would be a great addition!

Desiree said...

I know we don't know each other, but I feel like I know you enough from the blog and instagram to say I'll be praying for you. From someone who had 8 years of unexplained infertility, trying and trying, from every test , surgery then finally Ivf, I get you. I'm now blessed with my 2 miracle babies but I can't help thinking about a third... even though most days I feel like I'm drowning. It's something I also feel strong about. could possibly be because I grew up as a middle with 2 brothers. Who knows. but anyway, I'll pray for this situation and that you find some peace no matter the outcome. xo

Michelle {lovely little things} said...

I can really relate to this post and thank you for putting it out there. We just had our second and already everyone asks us if we're having a third. I too have envisioned my life with 3 kids (even 4 at times). Right now I think that dream is still feasible and attainable for us, but I don't know if I'm clinging to wanting babyhood to last, and relive a birth, newborn phase, in spite of all the sleepless nights, sore boobs, etc. There is something about creating life that is so magical, I just want to have the opportunity to do it again. But I wonder if I'll feel that way forever, as if that's just part of being a woman having become a mother, you know?

natasha {schue love} said...

This post totally resonated with me. I think all the time about having a third...but I do worry about rocking the balance that we currently have and just thinking about having three boys...or how we could afford it. But I also think about the big family gatherings and the joy of siblings. I guess we will see!

Meagan Weed said...

You do not know me but I read your blog all the time and follow you on instagram. I am so thankful for your post. I feel the same way. I have 2 great boys and they are 5 and 7. But, I think about having another child everyday. Some days my husband says he would like a third and other days he's against it. The thing that drives me crazy is people assume because I have 2 boys I want a third because I want a girl. That is not the case at all. Thank you for your honesty!

Aja said...

Was going to type something so similar! My husband and I prayed about whether or not to have more children and God was faithful to change and align our hearts!

Sheena Brooks said...

Hey Natalie I've been reading your blog for quite some time now but I've never commented. I have two boys who are 6 and 3 and while I love them more than life itself, I have always wanted a third child. My husband is also adamant that he is done. We've had several arguments and I've shed plenty of tears about it, but I finally came to the conclusion that it truly is out of my hands. I decided to just pray that if it were God's will for us to have anymore children that he would soften my husband's heart toward it but if it is His will for us to be finished with the two that we have that He would change the desires of my heart. I know it's hard but try to put your trust in God because His plans for us are good! Much love from Texas ❤️

Danielle Kirk said...

I’m going to be the voice of dissent here. Not because I don’t understand and support your desire for a third child, but because I think your marriage is a function of having children. Marriage and parenting is about partnership. If your partner is not on board with a desire that completely affects your entire family, then you may need to let that desire go. I’ve struggled with ideas/dreams in my head vs the reality of my life. I think we all do. But that struggle shouldn’t negatively impact your marriage. More than letting that desire go, you may need to invest in your partner and find out…

a.) what is really troubling him, not to change his mind, but just so you can better understand and support him. The key point being, not to change his mind, but to really just love him better. Husbands need love, support, and joy just as much as children do. They crave it on a fundamental level. They may not want to talk about their feelings for more than 15 minutes and would prefer golf to gabbing, but they loved us and married us for more than just stability, sex, and kids. They loved us because at a certain point we brought them joy. At a certain point we were everything to each other. So love him and talk to him about his needs. Try to understand where he is without the pressure of making him be where you want him to be.

b.) what are his dreams or desires, what is in his head that he struggles with matching to the reality of his life? I find the more you explore your husband’s head the more interesting they become. Men are deep and rather funny. Get tipsy on that tequila you love and laugh at the oddity’s of your husbands brain. Trust me…they will surprise you.

I’ve read your blog for a long time and Matt seems like a caring and loving father. You’ve been married for quite a while. This last year was tough with Matt’s back problems. Maybe he just wants less pressure to provide and a chance to spend time with his wife. Maybe he wants to enjoy what he has because you are more than enough for him. Maybe you’re his dream. And even if you aren’t, even if it isn’t as romantic as that, if it’s binary and just about the budget. That struggle is real for him. Keeping you guys happy, healthy, feed, in cute clothes, on vacations, decorating the house, having dinner parties, and living a charming life costs money. And he may be concerned about money because he wants to give you and the kids more or because he is feeling pressure in other areas. So try to understand even if it is binary. I can’t tell you not to be disappointed or not to grieve for what could have been. But don’t pressure your good life into becoming a distant dream that will only put more pressure on a good man.

And finally, as a feminists (which I’m assuming we all are) we’d be appalled if Matt was pressuring you into a having a baby you don’t want to have. How would you feel if Matt was trying to “convince” you or arguing with you about having a baby you didn’t want? Telling you it was his dream and he wanted you to do it and didn’t understand why you weren’t on board. We’d throw mud at him and accuse him of not respecting your body/your choice.

On a lighter note…he may just feel like this really funny video (clip below)…and want his life back a bit…whatever he feels, he loves you and his kids and his life now. And that is more than most ever get. I really do understand your feelings and dreams. Babies are a blessing and they are just so beautiful. They smell amazing (until they poop). And they have such interesting personalities. I really just think Matt deserves some credit and some support too. Now fingers crossed for you he changes his mind! If he doesn't I'm sorry.

Funny YouTube Video: Hamish and Andy
Parent Fantasy Hotline
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gTMjy9XScTQ