I love this blog not only as a place to share things that inspire me and that I love but also as an outlet. I find writing very therapeutic. It helps me clear my head and center myself.
This may bore many of you but it is something I just feel the need to write about. I am doing this more for myself than anything else. Just like with meditation I find journaling and writing can be so freeing for your mind.
The other day a women working at a store we were in said " Oh your kids are so cute, you have a boy and a girl. You are so lucky to have one of each. " She then proceeded to tell me how she always wanted to have kids but it just hadn't happened for her. My heart felt so sad for her and for the fact that whatever her life circumstances were she didn't get to have kids. My heart breaks for people like that. It made me think long and hard about my 2 sweet children and how lucky I am indeed, but it didn't stop me from thinking and wishing I had another.
Most days I try and convince myself that 2 kids is all I need. Things are starting to get a little easier in our house now that Sterling and Frances are older. They will actually sit and play together and that gives me time to get things done. It is nice, I like the routine we getting in. I like the fact that I am not nursing and not sleep deprived. I also like the fact that I am slowly getting my body back into really good shape. I feel good about our life and very blessed.
However as much as I try to convince myself 2 is enough, I still think about a 3rd child every single day. I touched on this a year ago but most days I still feel like someone is missing and I want another child. I can't even put into words why I feel this way. Most days I am exhausted. I find juggling two kids, my husband, and my blog overwhelming. I wonder why the heck I have this desire for another child. I think it is because my kids are growing up faster than I wish they would. I want time to slow down, I want a little baby around the house again. I want to freeze time and stay in this time period while my kids are young and innocent. I know these times are hard but I also know with certainty I will look back on these years as the best ones in my life.
The problem is my husband does not want another. Matt is very adamant he wants no more children. I thought once Frances got a little older I could persuade him but alas he has become even stronger in his convictions that he wants no more children. Matt can't even comprehend why I would want another. I want to respect his feelings and views but man it makes me sad. So what do you do? How do I come to terms with this?
Every time I hear about another acquaintance having their third child a part of me is jealous. Thinking why can't I have a third. Why is my husband the one that is not even open to the idea of another child??
I remember when I was having a hard time getting pregnant all I saw were babies and heard announcements about friends getting pregnant. I feel the same way now whenever I am out all I notice are moms with 3 kids.
I know plenty of people who have "accidentally" gotten pregnant. But I just can't do that. Our marriage is in a good place after some tough times and I know that third child might would push it to the dark side. Is that third baby worth it?? Not only would it be a strain on our marriage but would it push me to dark the side? Could I handle a third while giving myself the time I need for me? I am just starting to feel like myself again after Frances.
I try to be thankful that I have two healthy kids. I know I am beyond lucky. I know there are many of you out there struggling to get pregnant and going through IVF and many of you who have children that were born with some of a birth defect or illness. My heart is with all of you who are struggling in some way.
Sometimes I think maybe this was God's plan all along for me just to have 2 kids. Maybe he knew 3 would be too much. I know he has a plan for all of us and I whole heartedly trust that plan. For all I know I could actively try to get pregnant again and never would. I think in life what screws us up the most is the picture of what we think our life should be like. I think we envision and dream things and then when that is not the reality it makes us sad. Yes I had envisioned myself with 3 kids but maybe that is not my reality maybe my reality and life plan is just 2 kids. I want to embrace this life I have.
As the nice woman stated I am so lucky to have one of each. I love my sweet Sterling and Frances so much and have enjoyed getting to experience the joys of both boy and girl things. Still the yearning and the desire for a 3rd is not fading. I hope with time it will and I can come to peace with this and the fact that I probably won't have any more kids.
I don't want this to be a sad post because it is not. It is merely thoughts that I am having. I count my blessings everyday and I love having this space to share my thoughts, feelings and fears with you guys. I am happy with my life and if I don't have another child things will be just fine.
and because it is Friday and I don't want to leave you with too heavy of a post.