Lately I have felt like Bah Humbug. I have had a hard time embracing the holidays and life in general.
I am stressed to max. I cry at least once every day. That's the dirty truth and what you don't see. I wipe my tears and put a smile on my face for my kids but inside I am a mess. I am a worrier by nature and it is hard not to worry about some of the things going on in my life.
On Thanksgiving Day Matt hurt his back somehow and since then things have gone down hill. We spent one night last week in the ER he was in so much pain. The ER is not a fun place to be. His right leg is numb and shooting pain and he is unable to walk. He has been laid up in bed for almost two weeks now. He is only able to get up to use the bathroom and that is so painful he then has to lay down again. My heart goes out to him because I know he is in excruciating pain. You never want to see a loved one hurt like that ever. He has had one spinal injection that has not provided much relief and we are awaiting another one Monday. In the meantime he has to lay flat on his back to have any kind of relief from his pain. He is like a third child at the moment I need to take care of. I am terrified he is going to need back surgery and I know the recovery from that will be difficult.
Last week we took Sterling to fill 2 of his cavities and they informed us after getting proper xrays while he was sedated he had 6 more cavities that needed to be filled. WTF. Meaning he needs to be sedated 3 more times and it is going to cost us a pretty penny. Plus I feel like a horrible mom because he has so many cavities. They want us to floss every night and flossing with a 4 year old is not easy, I am worried he is going to get more cavities.
I went to see my gyno last week. They suspected I had an ovarian cyst that had burst.
Then last week at Frances Moon's one year check up her doctor told us we needed to get another MRI/Ultrasound of her head because it was growing too fast compared to her body. We already had one ultrasound in July and it showed fluid outside the brain but they thought by now her head would start to even out with her body. It is still growing off the curve. Yesterday I met with a neurologist at MUSC.
I came home from the hospital and Frances started running a fever.
I tell you all this not to get sympathy at all because I realize my problems are small compared to others. As I sat in the waiting room on the Neurology floor of MUSC waiting for Frances Moon to be seen I looked around the room at all the Moms there fighting their own battles. Some kids were in wheel chairs and others were visibly sick. It really put things in perspective for me. Yes, this is a hard time in my life. I am taking care of a husband who can't move or do anything for himself on top of my worries about our children. I am damn exhausted but I am healthy. This is nothing compared to the battles others are braving. Nothing at all.
I decided to take a deep breath, pray, and meditate (thank you headspace app) and you know what it worked. It reminded me to embrace the real meaning of Christmas and be thankful for where I am in my life at exactly this point. So what if I have no gifts wrapped and still have shopping to do. So what if I have piles of laundry that I don't have time to tackle after taking care of everyone. It doesn't matter at all. It will get done even if it is last minute. What matters is the time I spend with my loved ones and the attention and care I give them. Sterling is so excited about Santa and Christmas this year I can't help but smile thinking about his innocent joy. I want to enjoy the little things and embrace this week leading up to Christmas and I encourage all of you to do the same. Lets focus on the real meaning of Christmas and be thankful.
We all have our own struggles and worries and they are real but it is up to us the attitude we take towards what life throws our way. As my Dad told me yesterday God doesn't give you more than you can handle. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger.
I am pretty sure I have been bringing my family (thanks mom and dad and Taylor for listening) down with my complaints so I am turning it around.
I don't want to be Debbie Downer, I want to happy and joyful.
This too shall pass.