Sometimes I sit around and my mind wonders and I think about weird things. I do, seriously like, plane crashes, natural disasters, the world ending, and hooking up with LL Cool J (weird but true I had a dream about him two weeks ago and it keeps haunting me).
Lately, however I have been thinking alot about the enormity of being a parent. It is such a huge responsibility and I have to wonder am I doing the best job I can to raise Sterling right? I feel like the decisions I am making now are going to affect how he turns out as an adult and that stresses me out. Lately he has been bad, like real bad, bratty bad. He is that kid you see out in stores and judge the mom for not parenting better. Throwing stuff at me, screaming if he doesn't get his way, waving his finger in my face, pushing me away, not listening, talking back, and majorly stressing me out. It is making me think hard, is he acting this way because of me as a parent? Am I not tough enough? Should I punish him more? What am I doing wrong? I am guilty of giving in- handing him chocolate or buying him a treat just to buy myself 5 minutes of silence. I know this wrong but I do it anyways, it keeps me sane. Nobody ever warned me how hard being a parent would be.
This is the biggest job of my life and I want to do it right.
A few things that I think about all the time....
I want Sterling to grow up and be well mannered always saying yes, please, and thank you. I want him to be appreciative of the life he has. We have it good compared to so may others.
I want Sterling to be man of God, attend church regularly, pray, and be a good Christian. I take Sterling to church. because I want to instill him the value of a higher power and the fact that there is more to this life. This one is tough in our house because I always take Sterling to church alone, Matt never goes with us. That is his choice and I don't push him too but I know when Sterling is older he will say why does Daddy get to stay home and I have to go to church? That worries me.
I want him to be appreciative of things and not spoiled but I am fearful we are already in the spoiled category. It is hard not to buy that sweet face treats. I bribe him often just to get a few moments of silence. I feel like he already has more than he needs. It is hard to not want your child to have everything.
I want him to grow up and be a hard worker and love his job and not complain about it everyday. I want him to feel passionate about whatever he decides to do.
I want him to take time to help others. This is something I need to be better at showing him. Before he was born I volunteered at the Ronald McDonald House once a week and now I don't volunteer at all. I want to do that and bring him with me to see that we are so fortunate compared to others.
I want him to be a gentleman to the ladies and treat them with love and respect. This is something I think all boys learn from their dads and how they treat their moms. That is why I think is important to kiss and be affectionate in front of your children so they feel the love between their parents.
I want him to want to spend time with Matt and I when we are older. This one I think about alot because boys usually never call their parents once they leave the house. That makes me sad. I on the other hand always talk to my parents and choose to hang out with them. I love spending time with them and I want Sterling to feel the same way about Matt and I. Sometimes I look forward to spending time with my parents more than my friends- sad but true. I want Sterling to feel the same way.
I want Sterling to feel comfortable talking to me about anything (well maybe lets save the sex talk for dad). But I want him to trust me and feel comfortable enough to tell me if kids are bullying him, or encouraging him to do bad things.
I want him to be healthy and make healthy food and exercise choices. Before Sterling was born I swore I would make all his food and only feed him organic things. Well guess what? If you opened my pantry today you would find it filled with Lucky Charms, Little Debbie Cakes, Oreos, and lots of juice (non-organic juice and full sugar). I think the children that are restricted what they are allowed to eat over indulge more. I allow Sterling to eat what he wants (in moderation of course). My parents raised me the same way and I don't even bat an eye about sweets being in our house- I don't feel the need to eat them. I want Sterling to have restraint and take care of his body.
I am terrified of when he goes to college. I am scared the other boys will haze him and make him drink too much or do drugs. I want him to be man enough to know his limits and say no.
I hope he doesn't grow up being anxious and nervous. I am such a worry rat. Always worrying about something and I don't want him to be like that.
Most of all I want Sterling to be happy. No matter what he does I want him to find joy in life and be happy. Life is too short not to follow your dreams and I hope he does.
Am I the only freak that thinks these heavy thoughts?? I question my parenting skills everyday. I guess I will just cross my fingers and hope he turns out ok because I did (thanks to my wonderful parents).