The Dreaded Question

Things are about to get a little heavy and personal up in here for a Friday- just a heads up.  I have debated for awhile about writing about this topic and ultimately decided why not??  There might be other people in the same boat as me and we women need to be honest and stick together.  So here goes.

The Dreaded question:  When are you going to have more kids?  Are you going to give Sterling a brother or sister?   Don't you want your kids close in age?  People ask me this all the time and I know I am not the only person that gets this question.  Its like after you get married you get bombarded with "when are you having kids?"  then after you have one kid even before they turn one people start asking "do you want more?  How far apart in age do you want them?  When are you going to start trying for number two? "  All pretty personal questions in my opinion.   Especially when you are struggling to get pregnant. 

I got pregnant with Sterling fairly quickly, took us about 5 months.  Standard timing I guess.  I have always wanted more kids no doubt.  I just didn't want them too close in age.  Sterling was not the easiest baby and kept me very busy/exhausted so I figured three years apart would be perfect.   He would be in a big boy bed and potty trained and then it would be the right timing for number two.

 Right before Sterling turned two last year around Christmas we started trying to get pregnant.  I figured if it took 5-6 months again we would be due right when he turned three.  I got pregnant right away in January and I was shocked.  The whole time I kept thinking there is no way this was that easy this time.  No ovulation sticks, no timing or anything,  just bam I was pregnant.  I was ecstatic but in the back of my mind I just felt like things were too good to be true.  Mothers intuition or something. 

I had a scare at around 7 1/2 weeks with some bleeding.  I went in and had an ultrasound and it showed a cyst had ruptured but the baby was totally fine,  we were even able to see a heartbeat.  My Doctor (who I love) said everything was fine and not to worry but I still didn't feel like things were, and I was right.   A few days later I suffered a miscarriage- on Sterling's birthday of all days.  Can you imagine trying to pull yourself together to celebrate the life of the one child you love and adore while still mourning the loss of your unborn child.  It was one of the most difficult days in my life.  Thank god my family was in town to celebrate Sterling's birthday because they were my life savers.  My mom and sister brought over champagne and helped me pull myself together before all our friends arrived at our house for Sterling's birthday party.  I still remember it like it was yesterday.  I knew miscarriages were horrible but I never understood the extent of the loss you feel until I had one.  My heart goes out to anyone who has had a miscarriage. I bled for a good month, it was a painful reminder everyday of what I had lost.

It was a dark time in my life.  I was sad but hopeful.  I figured well lets wait a month or two and get right back on it, I will surely get pregnant again quickly.  I watched all my best friends get pregnant with and deliver their first and second babies while I still was "trying".  I kid you not 12 of my good friends including my sister got pregnant while all this was going on.  I was so happy for each and everyone of them but kept thinking when will it be my turn?  and selfishly I wanted to be pregnant the same as them so our kids would be close in age.  I had always envisioned my sister and I being pregnant at the same time, sharing our pregnancies and experiences,  but God had other plans.

And here we are today January 2013, a year after I got pregnant and more money spent on ovulation sticks then I would like to admit,  and I am still not pregnant again.  We have both been to a fertility specialist and everything looks good for both of us, no issues which makes this even harder.  Nothing to point the finger at to blame.  We are both totally healthy just no baby.   I have not resulted to fertility meds or anything,  just good old fashioned trying so far.  and not sure if I will result to that.   I never in a million years thought it would take this long for baby number two and now I am scared I might not be able to get pregnant again.  The fear runs through my head every day.  I lay in bed at night and this thought consumes me.   I want to be ok with one child, I do but I so want Sterling to have a sibling.  I am so close with my brother and sister and loved our childhood.  I want him to have that same companionship growing up.

So my journey continues.  This post is not meant to make you feel sad for me, in fact please don't.  I have a wonderful life and I am so lucky to have Sterling.  He brings me more joy than I ever thought possible.  I know there are people out there just trying to get pregnant with baby number one who have never even experienced having a child and I know that is more difficult than my situation.  It's just I know how wonderful having a child is and I want to do again.  It is the best thing by far I have ever done with my life.  

I wanted to share this for others who have suffered a miscarriage or have fertility issues to let you know you are not alone.  This happens to alot of women.  I don't know why more women don't speak more openly about fertility issues and miscarriages.  I feel like people keep all that bottled up and secret when those are the times you need support and encouragement the most.  My friends that shared their personal struggles and losses with me helped me more than anything.  So here I am letting it all out and in my heart I know this is the right thing to do.  Even if this post makes one person feel better or hopeful then it was worth it.

I hope 2013 will bring us a baby (say a prayer for us), I know it is all in God's hands and I trust his master plan.  But just think next time you ask someone that dreaded question you may not know what kind of struggles they are having. 

Now I am off to drink some wine because its the weekend and I am not pregnant so I can still booze:)  I will leave you with this quote that really helped me during my dark days.

xoxo

p.s- hope that wasn't too heavy for a Friday back to normal posting next week:)